1:44 PM
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"I'd Rather Be Dead, Than Be Overweight"
What a profound and humbling statement made by a morbidly obese teenager on the Oprah show just now. I sit here watching this on television and identifying with these teenagers on so many levels. The level of hurt, anger, resentment, loneliness, and depression that all of these teenager's are dealing with. It's a bitter slap in the face at something I don't think about every waking second... like I used to do. Seeing all of these kids dealing with this saddens me to the depth of my core and is a reminder that I was one of the few lucky ones. I wish that I could do something, be an advocate, or help each one of them... or any child that has to deal with this. Unfortunately, it seems to be an issue that is becoming more common with the youth of today. There are many factors that contribute to the issue and for each child the reason for being overweight is individual and personal. The bottom line is that it breaks my heart and I hate to have anyone feel the pain that I felt. I know the literal pain -- the kind that stabs deep in your stomach and makes you want to die. The worst part is knowing that these kids are feeling the same things that I felt for years. I don't want anyone to ever have to experience those feelings. It makes you feel like you are useless and subpar to the rest of humanity. You wake up in the morning thinking, "I hope I can get through today without someone making a fat joke", or "Why can't people see the real me? It's just the outside they are judging."
I think that overall my experience growing up has made me into a person who strives to look for the inner beauty on people. I'm not perfect and sometimes I am guilty of being on the wrong side of the street. However, mostly I feel an overwhelming urge to protect and help those around me. The thoughts that anyone might even have one tiny thought that they aren't as good as someone else breaks my heart. It's just not true. The scars run deep and the hurt is like a river that seems to never lose it's current. Constant reassurance and compliments only make a dent in the damage that happened over 27 years. I just hope that each of these kids can find peace, a way to live a healthy lifestyle, and happiness. They each face an uphill battle where the statistics are against them.
This issue is something that I think about constantly as I think I'm probably meant to do something about it. At this point, I don't know if it's public speaking, advocate, or counselor... however, I am confident that the answer will come if I keep seeking with an open heart and mind. Then I can help and hopefully make a difference so others can avoid the pain, rejection and strife that I dealt with for years. I believe that our mind is our strongest weapon. If you put your mind to anything with enough determination, then you will be unstoppable. It's easier to say CAN, then CAN'T.
"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly. AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES." ~Anonymous
Peace & Love,
~Kimmy
8:59 PM
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in memory of ...
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I think I will forever hear Bob's voice excitedly saying "Big Times." Bob was one of the greatest people I ever had the chance to meet. I certainly intended to get this blog started on a positive note, but today is somber at best. My friend and partner in crime, Bob, passed away last night after a short, horrible battle with colon cancer. I received word this afternoon and have spent much of this evening in deep thoughts. My thoughts and prayers do little to bring back a man who leaves behind 2 young children and a wife. My heart breaks for them because the pain of losing someone that close to you is almost unbearable and never goes away. I've learned that awful lesson over the course of the past 2 years. I want to try to keep the sunny side of his life because I know that's what Bob would have wanted. He would want me to share the things with those who read this that will bring smiles and encouragement. Plus, I don't want to forget anything about someone who I thought the world of. So here goes...
I met Bob through my previous employer. He was her full-time driver and since I was the personal assistant, we pretty much became inseparable. He drove me all over NYC and we spent hours together, telling stories, laughing, and having the best of times. I don't know how I would have gotten through the past 10 months without Bob. He really kept me sane and grounded, especially due to working with someone who was extremely difficult on most days.
Bob was a refugee from Romania and I loved to hear him talk about this. He actually planned on writing a book one day with all of his stories about escaping as a young man. I always made him tell me stories about those years. He actually packed some clothes in a pillowcase and swam across a river to escape Romania, got arrested and by some twist of fate, after sitting in jail for awhile, was sent to a camp for refugee's. He was one of the few that were not exported back to Romania. Thankfully, this is how he eventually made it to the U.S. He told me of his days spent doing odd jobs and living the good life with his long, hippy hair and all of the craziness that surrounded that lifestyle.
My favorite thing about Bob was listening to him get really excited about something, typically something in the Daily News, and yelling out "Big Times." It always cracked me up to hear him say that incorrectly and with his accent. Even on the worst of days that would always cheer me up.
Bob and I used to make coffee runs, usually when we were sitting somewhere waiting for hours on end. These were the times that got me through the worst of days because he always had something exciting to talk about, or a story to tell.
My favorite story was probably one of the last times I saw Bob. We were looking for something for my employer, most likely a rabbit chase for some ridiculous item that would never been used at all. At any rate, he did a U-turn in the middle of 86th street and then when he realized that the store I was looking for was on the opposite side, pulled another U-turn. Wouldn't you know that 2 NYPD's on foot saw this happen. They pulled him over. Bob just tells me that I need to say that we are just friends out for a friendly drive on a nice day. Did I mention that it was snowing? The cops tell him what he was getting a ticket for and ask what we are doing. I mean it did look odd that he's driving and I'm sitting in the backseat. (i.e. gypsy cab) He immediately says that we're just friends out for a friendly drive on a nice day. So I smile and nod at the cops. He then pulls out some type of NYPD badge and says that he can't get a ticket because his cousin, or someone in his family, is retired. Basically he had a "get out of jail free" deal. They took the precinct information down and went away. He keeps whispering..."stay cool"... "stay cool." They come back and tell him that no ticket will be issued and to have a great day. Apparently if you have family that are retired NYPD you can basically get out of tickets. I'm still not really sure why he didn't want them to know he was working as a driver, but it's funny just the same.
In the future, when I think back about my time in NYC, my favorite memories will be all the hours spent with Bob. Deep conversations, crazy sights (like watching NYPD investigate a burnt car with the victim still inside), hunting all of the city for the perfect banana (because none of the 7 stores we stopped at in the first place had banana's that were good enough), coffee runs, trying to figure out rich, crazy people, and most of all a great friendship that I will always cherish.
Bob was the kind of man who would do anything for you and never, ever ask for anything in return. The world was better for having someone like him in it and I'm definitely a better person for having known him...however brief it may have been. I can't sum up the greatness of a person by one blog, but hopefully this shows a tiny bit of the essence of someone who I respected in so many ways. Just another lesson to show that you have to love the ones you are with every moment, of every day. We just never know when our time is up, or theirs. I would rather love and lose, than never have loved at all.
Bob will be missed "Big Times."
